peer reveiw

Luke Buehrer
Peer Review Letter

Your essay brought up good points. Both of our essays are similar, like the subject and our opinions. We both think that technology has some benefits and some cons that effect wisdom and depth. Over all the essay was pretty good, you had good ideas and quotes. The biggest thing I saw needing work was just the flow. For example, the last paragraph you say, “If this does not happen, and does not happen soon…” The second “does not happen” is a bit redundant. I would change it to, “If this does not happen, and soon…” that would just help the reader continue a good flow. Another example of this is the introduction to the first quote. You said, “ Sven Birkerts once said in his essay “The Owl has Flown” that…” This could simply be said, “Sven Birkerts, author of “The Owl Has Flown” said…” This is a shorter intro that gets the same message across and helps with the flow. Another thing that I noticed is that you started off saying that technology helps and hurts, but through out the essay it seemed like you focused more on how it hurts than helps. There is two things that you could do about this, first you could take the side of technology hurting wisdom and depth, removing how it helps and going into more detail how it hurts. Or you could add more on how technology helps and have a more balanced view, this may make you look less bias and open the readers mind to receive your ideas. Another thing to consider (and I know my essay has just as much of this as yours) is the word “We”. I underlined all the spots where “we” was. Just make sure that you identify who “We” is, that way the reader won’t be turned off if you misrepresent him/her. There are some spots where you could go into a little more detail. Like when you say, “A person could argue that as technology grows, it is destroying the wisdoms that once were considered more precious than life”. Although I agree with this statement many readers may not or want to know why you think that. So it could use a better explanation why you think that, big statements not backed up can make you lose your credibility. It may also be nice to say how much you use technology, just to give the reader an idea what perspective you have on the subject. The last little thing I noticed was that you didn’t have a conclusion paragraph. You did sum this up but it was part of the third paragraph. I would just start a new paragraph where it says, “So in the end”, and then maybe add a bit more to the conclusion. This is a great first draft; you have a lot of good ideas. Just work on the flow, try to represent both sides or pick one strongly, work on “We”. And go into more detail on your main accusations, to increase credibility. With this you should have a pretty solid essay.